The Doctor and the Zombies
by kumquat42
Summary: The doctor and Donna end up on a luxury resort planet with a 'slight' zombie problem. Of course, Blood-thirsty tourists might be the least of their worries when a mysterious woman shows up and drags them into an investigation. Can they save the planet before it's too late?
1. Aether 7

**Sadly, Doctor Who does not and will never belong to me, no matter how much I wish on shooting stars :*-(**

"The 1969 moon landing!" The Doctor placed his helmet on his head and signaled Donna to do the same, he then ran to the door and prepared to throw it open.

"Are we on the moon?" She asked in wonder.

"The moon, 1969, we get to watch Neil Armstrong's very first step, the first human to officially walk on the moon!"

"Officially?"

"Aliens have been abducting humans and taking them places for centuries. Of course no one will believe them once they come back."

"If they come back. And when you say 'aliens' are you actually talking about yourself?"

"Well..." He paused, not sure what to say next, "anyway, welcome... to the moon!" He flung open the doors grandly. Donna had to clamp her hand over her mouth to keep from laughing, they had landed, not on the moon, but in the lobby of a posh looking hotel; a woman holding a clipboard was standing in front of them, her blonde hair was trapped in a severe bun and she was dressed in a white blouse and a powder blue pencil skirt.

"Welcome to the Aether 7 Leisure Palace, my name is Patricia, I am the receptionist, I'll be seeing that you get settled in comfortably. Do you have a booking and is this your first time at a Leisure Palace establishment?" Her voice was the dull monotone of someone who had already said the same thing a hundred times and expected to say it a hundred more before the end of the day.

The look on the Doctor's face was one of absolute bewilderment, "are you sure this isn't the moon?" He asked, obviously hoping that this was some elaborate prank.

"Last time I checked, yes." The woman said, rather amused.

"And... it's definitely not 1969?"

"I should certainly hope not, if it were, half of our visitors wouldn't be here. Humans do love to relax." She studied him for a moment, "so, is this your first time with us?"

"Umm... I've been to the one on Jaxabor, and I've been to the one on Midnight, but not here. Is it nice?"

"There isn't a planet called Midnight and the Leisure Palace on Jaxabor shut down two hundred years ago due a robotic monkey infestation."

"Robotic monkey infestation? How did that happen?"

"The file is not in my data banks, you welcome to check the library on deck fifty for more information."

"Data banks? Oh," he slapped himself on the forehead, "android! How did I not notice that?"

"You're a robot!" Donna gasped, immediately her mind turned to the robot Santa that had kidnapped on her wedding day.

"We prefer the term Artificial Intelligence, if you please, AI for short." Patricia's voice was slightly cold, as if she was insulted.

"Sorry, but you look... real..." She grasped for words that would not come.

"I am a near perfect imitation of an earth female, your lack of complete knowledge is understandable; you are, in fact, only humans."

The Doctor grimaced "Oh, don't call me a human, that's just insulting."

Donna raised her eyebrows. "Oi, what's wrong with 'human'?"

"I... didn't mean it like that, I... it's... umm..." He turned Patricia, "so, do you have any openings?"

"Yes, would you prefer a joint room, Mr and Mrs...?"

"We're not married!" They said at the same time.

"Doctor, why is that every other place you take me to, people immediately think we're a couple?" She said in irritation, this was the fifth time in a row.

"Bad luck?" He suggested.

"So your names are?" Patricia asked, this time in an almost impatient tone.

"I'm the Doctor and this is Donna." He said, first pointing at himself, then to her.

"I can introduce myself, thanks. I'm Donna." She held out her hand.

Patricia cocked her head slightly sideways, "Doctor... what was that again?"

"No, just the Doctor." He answered with a sigh.

"And I'll need the registration for your teleportation device."

"My what?" He leaned forward so that he could hear her better.

"She means the TARDIS, you dumbo."

"Oh!" He reached into one of his endless pockets and pulled out an all too familiar leather wallet. "I think this'll work, what do you think?"

She gasped, "Proconsul! I am so sorry that I did not recognize you at once! It is a great honor to have our humble establishment graced by yourself and your personal secretary!" She gave a salute that looked suspiciously like one out of that old movie 'Spartacus'.

"Proconsul? Really? Brilliant!" He seemed pleasantly surprised, but Donna felt a bit cheated, out of a literal universe of titles, she had to be a 'personal secretary', which wasn't much better than a 'space-age temp'.

As they we're being led to one of the open rooms, she nudged the Doctor.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"That didn't hurt. You made me your secretary?"

"The psychic paper's set on random, it just picked something that would work in this time and location."

"Your wallet thinks I'm best at being a secretary?"

He shrugged in response.

"Do you think this Leisure Palace is going to be like the one on Midnight?" She asked after a moment's silence.

"Dunno, they're all supposed to be different, and Midnight hasn't even been discover yet."

"I hate time travel." She said in a querulous manner.

"Hey!" He said with an injured voice.

"It's just so hard to keep strait in your head! I mean Midnight hasn't happened yet, but we were there, and both of them are so far in my future that I'll dead by the time any of this happens, but I'm there, or will be there, or was there, or will have been having been already is being there."

"Did you fail basic grammar in school? Because that last bit was terrible."

"I never did like verb tenses."

A much too loud PA system boomed throughout the building, "attention to all staff, there is a disturbance on deck eleven, all available staff please proceed to deck eleven, I repeat all available staff to deck eleven please, this is not a drill, repeat this is not a drill."

"Not them again, just once let it not be them." Patricia whispered to herself.

"Patricia 370-5 to deck eleven please, that is all." Patricia groaned at the sound of her name. She turned apologetically to the Doctor, "I'm sorry, I'll have to go." Next she blurted out a list of directions to their room then dashed off in the other direction.

"We're going after her aren't we?" Donna said, already knowing the answer.

"Oh yes!" He grabbed her hand and began to drag her behind him in pursuit of Patricia.

"How is it that five minutes after we land we're always trouble?"

"Brilliant, isn't it! Never a dull moment!"

"Or a quiet one," Donna faltered as she struggled to keep up with the Doctor's pace, "how about next time you let me drive?"

"The last I time I did that was a complete disaster!"

"You said 'don't worry, there's never any traffic in the vortex, who could you possibly hit?' and three seconds later I ram into a giant, time-traveling ladybird and it sues us for driving in the wrong lane! How many more times could that happen?"

"Five." He answered after some thought.

"That's completely ridiculous, why five?"

"Because..." He paused before shouting, "oh look! She is really fast!"

He was right, the android was almost twenty meters ahead of them now, and then she wasn't anywhere.

"Doctor, she's vanished!"

"I can see that, thanks, I'm not blind." Suddenly the Doctor fell to the ground and she almost ran over him.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, I just tripped on something." He moved his coat tail to reveal a small, neon pink speed bump.

She smirked, "yep, definitely not blind. You saw that coming and definitely meant to trip over it."

He shot her an annoyed look, "it is a good thing I tripped."

"And why's that then, did you want to get stepped on?"

"No, don't be daft, we would have have run into the invisible wall if I hadn't tripped."

Disbelief and amusement could not have been more plainly written on her face, "invisible wall? That is the lamest excuse since 'I didn't mean to slap you, I just thought your face needed a high five'."

"I'm serious! Look!" He jumped up and walked forward a few steps before staggering backwards. "That wall is much more solid and much closer than I thought it would be." He attempted to look unembarrassed as he rubbed his nose which had apparently hit the invisible wall first.

Donna scoffed, "you're a like a cat who walked off the end of a sofa then pretended he meant to do it!"

"I'm not a cat! I'm not even a cat person!"

"No, because cat people are sad, middle-aged women with no future and no friends."

The Doctor crinkled his nose, apparently he had a completely different picture in his mind's eye when he thought of 'cat people'.

"Oh god, I was almost a cat person." She said, wide-eyed.

"You most certainly are not a cat person."

"Now what's an invisible wall doing here?" She asked, half to herself, feeling against it.

"What are those funny looking people on earth that have painted faces?" He seemed completely distracted, so Donna decided to humor him.

"Clowns?" She suggested.

"No…"

"Mimes?"

"Ah! That's it, you look like a mime!"

"I hope that's not a compliment."

"Just an observation, I wonder… Donna, you know when the mimes pretend that they're stuck inside an invisible box?"

"Yeah, Gramps used to take me to the fun fair when I was a kid, I was terrified of the lion-tamers."

"Well, do you think you can—wait, lion-tamers?"

"Yeah, I was always afraid they were gonna… wait, why are we talking about lion-tamers? I thought we were having a pointless conversation about mimes!"

"It wasn't pointless! Anyway, do you remember how the mime gets out?"

"Umm... sure, they bang on the walls, then they find the door handle. Why?" But the Doctor had already dropped to his knees and was carefully feeling the wall, finally he gave a triumphant shout and proudly opened what Donna supposed was the door, but she couldn't really tell, seeing as it was an invisible door.

"Is that the door or have you completely lost it?"

"No, I've found the door not lost it, now get in."

"That's not what I meant by… oh, never mind." She reluctantly walked to where he pointed, suddenly she gasped in surprise, "Doctor, I can see it from this side!"

"Really? Brilliant, I wonder how that works."

"Oh, come on!" She grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him in with her.

"Ooh, it's a gravity canon!"

"A what?"

"A gravity canon."

"What's that then?"

"It's a sort of canon that operates on gravity."

"Oh that really clears things up, thanks, so it fires gravity at people, what's that good for?"

"No, it uses gravity to fire people."

"What! I don't want to be shot out of canon! Not today or any day, thanks!"

"I wonder what slows you down, otherwise there are a lot of very flat people stuck to the ceiling of the top floor." He was now talking to himself.

"That is not a mental image I'd like to have, Doctor, especially if you're about to turn it on."

"Sorry, are you ready?"

"No, not real—" she began screaming her head off before she could finish her sentence. It was so loud that she barely registered the Doctor's cheerful cry of 'Allon-sy!'.

**Please review! Reviews are always super helpful and encouraging! One review = one gravity canon ride or one mime! (because a mime is a terrible thing to waste XD)**

**–****XOXO your friendly neighborhood kumquat**


	2. Carmen Montague

**Seriously, I don't own anything**

They were still moving horribly fast. Donna was certain she had left all her organs behind somewhere on the way up. It felt a lot like falling, but she was pretty sure that they were going up instead of down. She honestly couldn't tell.

She thought she heard the doctor shout something, but with the wind rushing through her ears, it sounded like he'd said, "Hit teddy in the head!"

"What!" She shouted back.

"Red typhoon!" He answered. Donna hoped she was mishearing him, otherwise he had completely lost it.

"I can't understand you, doctor!"

"Rook to pawn eight!"

"We're not playing chess!"

Suddenly, she slammed into something very similar to Jell-O, only it was invisible and probably some kind of forcefield, not a disgusting dessert.

"Donna?" she heard the doctor say.

"I'm alright!" she shouted back.

"I can see that, and there's no need to shout. I'm right here."

"Where?"

"To your left."

She turned her head, "I don't see you."

"Your other left."

She turned to the right. The doctor seemed to be standing on the ceiling.

"Are you going to come down soon?"

"Me come down? You're the one standing on the bloody ceiling!"

"I'm really not." he reached out his hand, "here." She clasped it and suddenly fell onto the actual floor. The doctor helped Donna to her feet.

Ahead was a mob of people in gaudily colored suits, holding pens and notebooks, or being closely followed by camera crews.

"Excuse me," said a female voice. The doctor and Donna whirled around to face a short young woman with short brown hair dressed in a bright red pantsuit. "There have been reports of a blood-thirsty mob of tourists infected with a mysterious illness on the planet below. Care to comment?"

"And who, exactly, might you be?" the doctor replied.

"Carmen Montague," she held out her hand to shake his, "junior investigative reporter for The Satellite 23 News."

"A journalist?" the doctor asked, cringing slightly.

"If you like, got something against journalists?"

"No... no..." He said in a way that meant 'yes, definitely'.

"Good. Might I ask who you are?"

"I'm... The doctor and this is––"

"Donna Noble, nice to meet you." Donna interrupted, "you mentioned something about blood-thirsty tourists?"

"Yes, a few weeks ago, reports started coming in: a man attacks another tourist, trying to eat his nose; a boy is bitten by a patient in the infirmary, the wound becomes infected and the boy joins a mob of infected; a mob of the infected people tears a young woman apart. The story get worse from there on."

"Well that's the media for you: blowing everything out of proportion." The doctor remarked.

"Then I suppose you haven't seen the body bags in the next room?"

"Pardon?"

"Body bags, with bodies in them, in the next room. You said you're a doctor?"

"Of sorts, yeah." Donna could tell his mind was still on the body bags.

"How can you be a doctor of sorts? You're either a doctor, or you aren't."

"I'm a doctor of cheese-making."

"They give doctorates in cheese-making?"

"They give doctorates in all sorts of things if you know where to look."

"You're a very strange man."

"Who said I'm a man?"

"No one, I just assumed—"

"Rule one of good journalism: never assume anything!" He announced, turning most of his attention back to her. You could never really have the doctor's full attention, at least, not as far as Donna knew, there was simply too much going on in his brain for that to happen.

"Oh, and now I suppose you're a doctor of journalism as well as cheese-making?"

"I could be."

Carmen simply rolled her eyes. Donna was impressed, not many could keep up with the doctor in the verbal equivalent of a dog-fight, herself not included of course.

"Are you a doctor of medicine as well?" She asked.

The doctor batted the question away his hands, "occasionally."

"Then this should be quite the occasion for you."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning the guards just left." Carmen grabbed the doctor's hand and pulled him toward the side room.

Donna had to clamp a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing; the doctor's expression was priceless. He must've been very surprised, given he's usually the one grabbing strangers' hands and dragging them places.

**Sorry this chapter is short! It's sort of a transition to get them where they need to be and introduce Carmen! Happy Valentine's Day! Also, please consider this as part the noodle incident, you-know-who-you-are 3**

**—XOXO your friendly neighborhood kumquat **


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